Lately, I wake up in the morning and on recent days, I am happier than I have ever been. The safety net is gone, the abyss is looming, and I get to wake up every day happy because I am doing something that makes me feel balanced. For the first time in my life I actually know what authenticity feels like. For the first time ever, I don’t feel intellectualized….I feel authentic. I am not here for success, or prestige, or security. I am doing this because none of those things made me happy. I used to think that there was something wrong with me because I was never content…. because contentment felt synonymous with complacency…. and complacency felt like failure. Now, contentment feels like a warm blanket… the kind that comes straight out of the dryer and smells like home.
I am a designer.
For the first time in my life, I feel brave in my bones. My mother is an artist. My whole life I watched her kill herself to keep our lives afloat, and the whole time I watched, loving her, respecting her, wanting so badly for her to learn how to rest…. all the while swearing that i would never want that life. I have fought it for thirty years, and now here I am…. proclaiming four little words that terrify me…. I am a designer. No apologies, no caveats. I am taking a road less taken. I am signing up for less money and more life, less killing myself, more sweet mornings with the people I love. The past year of my life was filled with the deepest pain I have ever known, and then the greatest relief I never thought possible. I have known huge ups and huge downs and have come out knowing that I will never again sell my life. My time is precious and I vow to fill it by bringing as much beauty as I can into the world.
I am a designer.
I am a designer